She stands so tall but feels weak inside
Pushes your hand away even though she wants to be in your warm embrace
Turns her head away and avoids eye contact because she can’t even admit it to herself
The tears will start rolling and she’ll yell for you to leave her alone
You are in the presence of a broken girl who has the role of tough girl
And she cared about you.
She might have even let you in, see sides of her that no one gets to see
She might have even shown you bits of her heart
It’s all she has left to offer
Sorry if that’s not enough
Sorry that the others before you were selfish and mean
Took everything she has given them
This girl that stands in front of you
She is the most independent woman I know
She doesn’t need anyone by her side but secretly fears of being alone
She chases and pushes people away from her
Those that she keeps around, she keeps at a distance
It is nice to admire beauty from afar
But the closer you get, you can see the cracks, the bruises, the damage
She puts on a smile anyways and hopes you fall for her illusion
It’s all she has anyways
****an old post I found the night of this incident… I couldn’t sleep so I started to write about how much of a nightmare I faced. It was scary and I still thought that we could work things out… He took me back after the heel incident so I felt like I was obligated to do the same. I was having mixed emotions but I loved him and wanted to do what was right even though he scared me***
I was closing at Panera and Chris was texting me. We were missing each other. I couldn’t wait to get off. I wanted to be with my baby. I told Chris I was on my way home. No response. I thought it was weird since he was responding quite quickly that evening.
I walk into the apartment to find Chris passed out on the recliner. There was the ice cube tray leaking on the camera and our letters. I checked if the camera would turn on. It did. I put it in a bowl with rice. I went to go wake up my man with a kiss. He didn’t budge. I tried to wake him up. He wasn’t responding. I shook his face. He opened his eyes and I asked him what else did he drink. He responded with olives and passed out again. I went to wash off my makeup and brush my teeth. He woke up and stood in the hallway. I asked him what else did he have to drink. He said beer and beer. I asked what else. He said I don’t want you to be angry. He starts to look in the cabinets. I was like did you hide alcohol from me? He said I don’t want you to be angry. I already started to think that he might be an alcoholic. Hiding alcohol is a sure sign. I told him I don’t tolerate being lied to. I put a pillow on the couch and told him that I need to talk to him in the morning.
I locked myself in the bedroom and he started telling me to let him in. Then he started saying that Charlotte needs to come in. After about five minutes he punches a hole in the door. I get scared and put bedsheets over my head. I start crying. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. He tells me that I’m going to pay for it. Then he starts saying how I don’t care about Charlotte and that I only care about money. He starts saying how all I care about is the money he makes. I hear the door lock so I look up. He’s still in the room. I asked him to leave me alone. He said not until he got his money. I told him fine get it and leave. He told me that it was my fault that he punched a hole in the door. That his arm hurts bc of me. Then he said first I hit him with a heel and now this. But then he smiles and says but all of this can go away if I give him a kiss. Seeing how insane he was acting I told him that I now see the same monster that I’ve been seeing. He was saying outrageous things that he would tell his mom and the police. I began to record this so I had proof that they were all lies. He began to follow me and tried taking my phone to gather the proof that I collected. He lunged and snatched my phone while pushing me into our bed stand. I took his phone and grabbed my purse. He blocked the door and was pretending to call the police. He was saying that I was unstable and needed sedatives. He also said to bring a straight jacket. He said that he could end it all if I just stayed and talked to him. Maybe I should have. But I was in flight mode. I had to get out of that apartment. He was scaring me and didn’t respect that I wanted to figure out things in the morning when he’d be sober. I lead him to another part of the apartment and bolted out the door. I couldn’t believe that I made it out since he was right next to me. He screamed after me that no one will love me. That I have no one in this world. I jumped in my car, realizing that I had no where to go. I just left. I didn’t want to risk him coming out. I went into an abandoned parking lot. I called Ela, hoping she’d answer. She did and I cried. I told her everything. Told her I didn’t know what to do. What’s next. She told me that I should call his mom. I was scared. What if she believes that I hit her son again. I got the courage to call mom. I told her what happened. She asked me if I hit Chris with the Eiffel tower lamp. So I guess Chris did get to her first. I told her that I swear on my grandmother’s grave that I didn’t touch him since the heel incident. She asked if I was drinking. I told her no. She asked these two questions again. Then she set me up with a hotel room at the Hamptons. Chris and Doug were on the phone. They even think my dad called. I wonder what they were talking about. I wonder if Chris did tell my dad anything. Or if Chris started telling everyone what he proceed happened. I hope he’s alright. I’m here in a lovely hotel room, wishing that he was here. I don’t know what to do from here. I really have mixed feelings, mixed emotions. I just need God more than ever right now.
*old post that I saved as a draft and never published*
Ugh just another damn night of me wanting more but he isn’t able to deliver
Yes I’m talking about sex
He’d rather tuck me in than will you know
So he can escape to his fantasy world of war craft
Play with his polish friend rather than me
I’m getting so sick of it
Oh and guess who cleared a bottle that we went fifty fifty on?
Ding ding ding
If you guessed my bf you are correct!
There’s nothing more annoying than paying for alcohol and only get one margarita out of it
Talk about selfish
It’s like one in the morning and it’s gone
A few posts that I never published…. I can’t believe I was in a relationship where I was unhappy for the most part…
I guess we all need to go through experiences to know that we deserve more